MARRIAGE, FAMILY, SEX & RELATIONSHIPS

How to Light Her Fire

By Paul McGuire

       (c) New Man Magazine

When it comes to intimacy, men and women are on different sides of the bed. But it's still possible to have the red-hot, holy sex life that you've always wanted.
 

When it comes to sex, men and women are definitely--pardon the pun--on opposite sides of the bed. We men are practically clueless about cultivating a passionate and romantic relationship with our wives. At the same time, women often have no idea how important sexual fulfillment is to us both physically and psychologically. Churches usually ignore the subject, further complicating the problem and leaving both men and women to look elsewhere for answers. And so-called "sexperts" often give us advice that amounts to little more than a sexual plumbing manual.

What's a guy to do?

Thankfully, the greatest sex and romance manual ever written is the Bible. Men who are sexually frustrated can find understanding into the female psyche and learn how to have the sex life they've always wanted in the pages of God's Word. Not only that, but the Bible actually shows us how we can have the most rewarding, passionate, erotic, spiritual and fulfilling sex life that is humanly possible! Got your attention? Here then are 10 ways based on Scripture that you can ignite your sex life and, ultimately, help cultivate that closeness that your wife is longing for.

  Fire Starters

1. Learn to Tune Into Your Wife. The cold truth is that the vast majority of us are not sensitive to our wives. All too often we're oblivious to their real emotional needs. Many of us if we were in a business meeting could in a second read every subtle nuance or the body language of a prospective client. We are geniuses at reading people in the business world and morons when it comes to understanding our wives. As men we need to actively discipline and train ourselves to be sensitive to our wives. This does not come naturally for most of us so it will require concentration and hard work. But when our wives sense that we are being truly sensitive to them, they will respect us, open up to us, trust us and desire to be physically intimate with us (see Eph. 5:25).

2. Romance Your Wife. When you were first courting your wife, you knew instinctively how to be sensitive, caring and romantic. You admired her and complimented her. You were extra courteous, thoughtful, kind, and you did a lot of little romantic things for her. Maybe you took her out for coffee, listened to her intently when she poured her heart out to you, wrote her little love notes and poems, brought her gifts and flowers, and showered attention on her. Then you married her and let that same attention and romantic passion slip. Slowly, without recognizing it, you lost the romantic tenderness and passion. Now when you approach her sexually, she seems uninterested and unavailable. Why should she be interested in you sexually? You have stopped being her lover on the kind of romantic level that every woman craves. She is literally starving for your emotional love and romantic tenderness. What you need to do is go back in your mind and remember what you used to do right. Begin to find ways to be romantic again and don't expect an instant payoff. If you will begin to court and romance your wife from sincere motives of really loving her and caring for her, you will be amazed at how effectively you can light her fire. But, if you are being phony and manipulative and just expecting a sexual reward, you may end up sleeping on the couch again (see Song 4:1-15).

3. Cultivate a Romantic Relationship. Whether you want to admit it or not, if you are being nice to your wife for the purpose of a "sexual payoff" you are in a very real sense using her as a "sex object." Your wife has an innate sense if you like being with her or not. It's no accident that Proverbs says "Rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Prov. 5:18, NIV). The Holy Spirit writing through King David was urging men to actively enjoy, delight and rejoice in their wives. Most men, when they were first dating and courting their wives naturally enjoyed, delighted and rejoiced in them. Women open up to this kind of rich romantic love like flowers respond to sunshine and water. In the same way, wives will naturally blossom sexually with their husbands when they are nourished with love, tenderness, care and sensitivity. Passionate sex flows naturally out of a rich emotional and spiritual relationship with our wives. Many men want the passionate sex without the emotional and spiritual relationship. But God did not design women this way. If a man really wants to light his wife's fire he must learn to be the lover of her soul before he becomes the lover of her body.

4. Don't Ignore Unresolved Conflicts. If you ignore or try to sweep under the carpet conflicts, tensions and disagreements that are going on in your marriage relationship, you will find that your wife will not be interested in being with you. A lot of men try to brush these things off and then want to make love, only to find that their wives pull away from them. A wife does not feel like getting physically close to her husband when there is unresolved hostility or conflict in the relationship. In fact, she will give you the "deep freeze." It will be like trying to defrost a lake in Minnesota in the dead of winter with a cigarette lighter. The husband must be the leader in healing any conflicts, even if he thinks he is right!

5. Be Understanding of Where She Is Physically and Emotionally. Many times when we want to have sex with our wives, we are oblivious to the fact that they are exhausted, physically run down, depressed, anxious about something or not feeling well. Generally, men need sex more often than their wives do, with little or no preparation. But many women are exhausted from balancing the demands of work, family and other activities. A man must be sensitive to where his wife is at, be patient and initiate sex at the right time. There are going to be times when she is simply too tired, and you cannot react in anger, feel personal hurt or rejection (see Eph. 5:28-29).

6. Stop Begging and Start Talking. Nothing is more pathetic than watching a grown man beg. The line goes something like this, "Oh honey, please." Some men even recite "to-do" lists in order to win their wives' favor. There is only one word to describe this approach: pathetic! Why not try talking to your wife instead? Sex talk need not be all serious and sober. And it certainly should not consist of complaining, pressuring, demanding or begging. It shouldn't be offensive or gross. When you talk about sex with your wife, it should be at the right time. There should be laughter, and it should be fun. (Gasp!) Your sexual relationship should flow out of your emotional and spiritual relationship. You should not be pressuring your wife to do things sexually that she is not comfortable with. You must respect each other's wishes, needs and desires (see Eph. 4:25, 29-32).

7. Be Creative About How You Approach Your Wife Sexually. Most men are ready for sex almost instantly. We are not discriminating about when, where or how. For most women, though, physical intimacy is about love, romance and emotional connection. They enjoy things like candles, bubble baths, soft and colorful sheets and pillows. A man's cleanliness, smell and grooming are also important (See Avoid These Fashion No-Nos, page 22). Women like love notes, poems, foot rubs, massages, flowers and other things that create an atmosphere of love. A husband must be both sensitive and creative in creating this kind of atmosphere. For many men, the attitude is "wham bam thank you ma'am." This is not the biblical view of sex between a husband and a wife. Sex between a husband and wife should be passionate and holy at the same time (see Prov. 5:18-19). It should be a celebration of your spiritual union in Christ, not about getting off.

8. Find Ways to Praise and Compliment Your Wife. A woman wants to know that she is admired by her husband, that her husband finds her attractive, feminine and sexually appealing. The way you treat your wife and talk to her is reflective of how you see her. Your wife instinctively knows if you find her attractive and appealing. She wants to know that she is special to you and that you really love her. If you complain about the way your wife looks, her weight, etc., you dampen her sexual interest. When you praise and compliment your wife, however, make sure it is sincere and heartfelt! (see Song 1:8-10)

9. Make Sure Your Sexual Desires and Attitudes Have Been Renewed. The reality is that many men have had their sexual attitudes framed by exposure to soft or hard-core pornography. In Hebrews 13:4 it says, "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (NKJV). The marriage bed can be defiled by bringing into it some of the debasing attitudes and practices of the world. Many men have strongholds in their minds from exposure to pornography. As a result, their sexual desires have been programmed, and they cannot be "turned on" unless they mentally fantasize or try to re-enact what they have seen in pornography. Their wives sense this and then become very uncomfortable about having sex with them. In situations such as this they need to experience firsthand the Holy Spirit's power to deliver and reprogram them sexually! In 1 Thessalonians 4:4-5 it says, "That each of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God."

As a general rule, God does not give long lists to His people about how and when married couples can have sex, but there are sexual practices promoted by mainstream media that promote sexual values and practices that the Bible specifically prohibits. Watching pornography to "spice up" your sex life, fantasizing about someone else, and using sex games that are either expressly sadomasochistic or lean that way--these are all practices that the Bible condemns.

Still, God gives husbands and wives a wide range of freedom in their sexual expression and desires for us to enjoy a rewarding sex life. For example, He does not tell us what position to have sex in or that one position is more holy than another. In addition to emotional and spiritual intimacy, there should be the elements of fun and holy passion in the marriage bed. Remember that the Holy Spirit is with you in the bedroom, and God wants to pour out blessing on your sexual union.

10. Be a Friend to Your Wife. The sexual relationship between a husband and wife should flow out of true friendship and close companionship. Spend time enjoying one another's company. Your relationship should not just consist of talking about bills, kid problems, household chores and "to-do lists." You have got to spend time sharing your laughter, your dreams, your inner thoughts, your relationships with the Lord and your lives together. A woman is physically turned on by this kind of emotional intimacy and closeness (see Eph. 5:33).

We men must realize that for a woman making love is far more than just the physical act of sex. In our relationship with our wives, we must realize that sexual intercourse is the physical consummation of emotional and spiritual intercourse. What our wives really desire is oneness with us. The most powerful aphrodisiac for our wives is this kind of emotional and spiritual intimacy. NM

Fire Extinguishers

When we don't get enough sex from our wives, we sometimes inadvertently commit one or more of these three "No-Nos":

Complaining We complain to our wives that we aren't sexually satisfied. We may drop hints that are both subtle and overt that our wives are not meeting our sexual needs. But when we get in the mode of complaining to our wives it just makes them resent us. Complaining just kills the romance and the potential for physical intimacy with our wives.

Lecturing If your wife wanted a lecture she would attend a class at a local seminary or college. She doesn't want a lecturer, she wants a lover! Yet, some of us literally lecture our wives about their Christian duty to meet their sexual needs based on 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, where it says: "Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another" (NKJV). This approach is self-serving and makes our wives feel that having sex with us is just another chore like doing the dishes. If your wife does give in to the lecturing about her spiritual duty to meet your sexual needs, chances are her heart won't be in it. The bottom line with lecturing is that it doesn't work.

Pressuring Many of us attempt to psychologically pressure our wives into having sex. It's a form of psychological date rape with our wives. Pressure is not a romantic turn-on for women. If she makes herself available to you due to pressure she will probably inwardly resent it. Fact:

As many as 4-in-10 American women experience some form of sexual dissatisfaction.

             WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT  MARRIAGE & SEX

                                         By Paul McGuire

                                              (c)

            The thing that amazes me on a regular basis is the fact that most people think and act as if God did not create sex.  Although, people intellectually acknowledge that it was God that designed sex.  On a practical level, most Christians attempt on a subconscious level attempt to separate the physical act of sex with their spirituality, as if the two were in conflict with one another.

             It is crucial to understand that it was God who designed and created sex.  That means the full range of sexual expression which begins with the normal God-given attraction between a man and woman.  To every aspect of the sexual act and experience, with the risk of offending some, this means that God not only created the means of sexual intercourse.  But, it was God who created the orgasm, sexual desire, and the intense range of emotions and feelings in the sexual experience.  God also created boundaries, rules, commandments and borders regarding human sexual experience.  First, of all that means that God created sex to be expressed exclusively between a husband and wife inside of heterosexual marriage covenant.  All sexual activity outside of the marriage covenant falls into the category of sin.

            But, the popular idea in Christian circles that “anything goes” inside the Christian marriage bed is complete nonsense and it reflects a very poor understanding of what the Bible teaches regarding sexuality.  “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”  Hebrews 13:4   this verse has been taken completely out of context to means “anything goes” in the marriage bed.  The first thing we must remember is that sexual expression between a husband and wife should be an act of worship to the Lord.  This involves understanding that the Holy Spirit living inside of both the husband and wife (assuming both partners are believers) is part of the sexual experience.  This should not just be some kind of super spiritual or legalistic understanding of the sexual experience.  But, it should remind us that Jesus Christ is in the bedroom when a married couple is having a sexual relationship.

            What does that mean in practical terms?  It means that believers in Jesus Christ are not to approach sex like fallen men and women do.  They are not to have their sexual desires framed by pornography or our fallen world.  Sex between a husband and wife is a good thing and God blesses it.  “Good sex” should be a natural outflow of the husband and wife relationship.  God wants His people to experience maximum sexual fulfillment within the marriage relationship.

            But, there is a very important truth to understand that most Christian do not understand regarding sex.  Sex is a physical, emotional and spiritual act.  Sexual union between a husband and wife should bring the married couple not only deep physical and emotional fulfillment.  The sexual experience between a Christian husband and wife should cause their earthly romantic relationship to move into a spiritual oneness between themselves and God.  In other words, “good sex” should not be set by the “worlds” definition.  It should involve physical pleasure and a spiritual oneness where the Holy Spirit brings the man and woman together on a spiritual level.  As such, there should not only be physical pleasure, but spiritual pleasure.  This something our fallen world and most Christians know nothing about.  In short, in Christ there should be something cosmic and transcendent about sexual activity between a husband and wife.  It is not only a physical act, but it is an act of worship.  The reason many Christian couples (especially women) do not experience this dimension in their sexual lives is because they cut off the spiritual from the physical.  When this happens emptiness is experienced even though there may be physical satisfaction.

HOW TO PLACE YOUR CHILDREN & LOVED ONES UNDER A SUPERNATURAL COVERING THROUGH PRAYER AT SCHOOL AND OTHER PLACES!

                                                   ©

                                        Paul McGuire

The Virginia Tech shootings, and other school shootings have caused parents to be fearful and worried about their children at school.  How do you release God’s supernatural power to protect your children at school, your husband or wife, loved ones, and those in dangerous jobs like the military, police, and fire departments, etc. ?

First of all you must recognize that we are in the last days where perilous times have come.  However, the Bible has prepared us for such days, and there are things we can do to protect our children, family, and our communities.  The Apostle Paul clearly taught us that:

Ephesians 6:10-18

10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.

11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness,

15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.

17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;

18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—NKJV

Here we are taught that the root cause of school shootings and other tragedies is demonic.  Although, Satan will gain control and influence over broken people, it is the demonic powers that drive them to kill, and destroy.  If we are to truly protect our children and loved ones in any environment, we must deal with these demonic powers in the power of the Lord, and not simply in our human power.  Obviously there are many things we must do in on a practical level, such as discovering what your school’s plan is if a psychopath or terrorist with a gun comes on the school grounds, and discussing with experts what to do physically in these situations. ( I plan to have guests on to discuss this ).  Also, you need to understand the realities of gun control laws. Schools where a “shooter” began to open fire, when a off duty law enforcement officer, or some other person who had the legal right to carry a gun was there, the person with a gun was able to shoot the “shooter” and prevent a massacre from happening.  In those schools where there was no legal gun carrying person there to stop the shooter, a massacre occurred.  You need to check with your school and legal authorities to find out what kind of legal gun protection they have.

We live in a day where each of us must become spiritual warriors, and learn how to engage in spiritual warfare through fasting and praying over our children and loved ones.  This involves more than the “God Bless You-type prayer” as they are going out the door.  This means exercising the keys of the kingdom that Jesus Christ talked about and actually “binding the powers of darkness” over the minds of students and others in the school, and wherever necessary!

When praying about the Full Armor of God you pray it personally from Ephesians 6:10-18.  In addition, a SPIRITUAL STATE OF EMERGENCY must declared!  Your church should be conducting intercessory prayer meetings and fasting for this school situation, and praying for your area.  Another good idea is to call all the children of all age groups forward, lay hands on them and pray God’s protection over them.

We must understand that in the last days the “kosmokratos” or rulers of the darkness of this world are very much at work.  Satan has an organizational structure of demonic beings.  “Archas” is the Greek word which means principalities.  “Pneuma tae ponerias” means spiritual wickedness in high places.  When we engage in spiritual warfare both individually and with other believers, we are using the power of God to restrain, cast out, and bind these fallen angels in the invisible realm.  If we fail to do this, then they are free to carry out their plans for death and destruction!

One of Satan’s names is “Beelzebub” which means prince of the demons.  This implies that Satan is the rule over a demonic army.  The Bible teaches us that one third of the angels joined Lucifer or Satan in his rebellion from God.  These are fallen angels, and they are on the earth carrying out the plans and purposes of  Satan.  We can actually claim and pray Psalm 91 over our children and loved ones.

Psalm 91 must actually be prayed, and claimed over our loved ones.   As a spiritual warrior you must actively combat the powers of darkness by claiming God’s promises in prayer, binding the powers of darkness, and placing  your children and loved ones under God’s supernatural protection by asking Him for it.  Also, be sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit when you are praying.  If God brings something to your mind, or gives you a burden for somebody, or some situation, then act on it.  When you are in close personal relationship with Jesus Christ, He will show you how to pray.  But, you must listen to Him.  Although, I cannot tell you for sure, I believe that the Lord was probably trying to warn people to pray before the Virginia Tech shootings.   Is God warning  you about something?  Pray about it, act on it, and get others involved!

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